AN EXCERPT FROM ROBIN HOOD

At this point in the show, Margaret, who has been challenged to put on the play despite the absence of the great 'Misdirected Theatre Company,' tries to round up a cast from her stalwart theatre crew.

MARGARET: We can do it!  We can do the show!

CYNTHIA: What are you talking about?

MARGARET: I'm talking about we have an audience full of people waiting to see the Merrie Adventures of Robin Hood and I'm talking about we have a crateful of costumes and props, we have sound, we have actors...

OZZIE: What actors?

MARGARET: Oh, please, tell me that all of you didn't start out to be actors!  Nobody working in theatre really wants to be anything but an actor!

         (Ozzie and Cynthia begin to protest)

We have the actors!

         (they shut up)

AND... we have the most learned Robin Hood scholar on the planet!

OZZIE: And that would be...

MARGARET

         (posing regally)

Ta da!

         (to Warren, as he starts to sneak out)

Uh uh!  You!  Stay!

         (he stays)

OZZIE: You're nuts!  Send 'em all home!

MARGARET: All right.  Fair enough.  We'll ask them!  Whatever they say, goes!

         (to audience)

Listen up, everybody!  We're going to take a vote!  Anybody who wants to go home without seeing a show, clap your hands now!

         (the response should be anemic, except for the usual smart          guys; Warren also claps, to no avail)

Now--anybody who wants me and my talented crew to put on the greatest performance of Robin Hood in the history of theatre...clap your hands now!

         (she leads them, they will)

Wonderful!  We will do it!

OZZIE: YOU will do it!  Count me out!

MARGARET: Wait!  Say that again!

OZZIE: I said, 'Count me out!'

MARGARET: What power!  What command!  What vocal resonance!  I'll not count thee out, Sheriff of Nottingham!

OZZIE: Huh?

MARGARET: You will play the Sheriff of Nottingham, crafty and tenacious right hand man of Prince John!  Brave!  Bold!  Belligerent!  You are perfect!

OZZIE

         (flattered)

Really?

MARGARET

         (to Cynthia)

And how bides thee this fair morningtide, Maid Marian?

CYNTHIA: Maid Marian?  Robin's girl friend?

MARGARET: Oh, much more than that!  The light of Robin's life!  Robin's heart!  Robin's soul!  Robin's...beloved!

CYNTHIA

         (beat)

Yeah, but his girlfriend, right?

MARGARET: Absolutely!

CYNTHIA: Cool!

MARGARET

         (to Warren, who, again, had been trying to make his way to the          exit)

And you!

WARREN: Huh?

MARGARET: Of course, you know who you are!

WARREN: I'm the UPS guy.

MARGARET

         (to audience)

Tell him!  Tell him who he is going to play!!!

         (If they don't all scream 'Robin Hood,' then casting didn't go          as well as we all expected.)

WARREN: Me?

MARGARET: Robin Hood!  Defender of the oppressed and downtrodden!  Marksman supreme!  Swordsman unparalleled!  Picaresque rogue and raffish rapscallion!  Life lover and dream liver!

WARREN: Dream liver?

MARGARET: Dream liver!

WARREN: I'm the UPS guy.

MARGARET: I want you to say something for me.

WARREN: But...

MARGARET: Ssh!  Trust me.  Say this...

         (whispers)

'Welcome to Sherwood Forest!'

OZZIE: But Larry will...

MARGARET: Ssh!  It's all part of the plan.  Come on, say it...

         (whispers again)

'Welcome to Sherwood Forest!'

WARREN

         (whispers also)

'Welcome to Sherwood Forest!'

MARGARET: No!  Said it loud!  Say it strong!

WARREN: 'WELCOME TO SHERWOOD FOREST!'

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