DEAR PETER
This piece
is presented in Limbo--no specific area.
A podium or something similar to that may certainly be used.
ACTOR 1
Recently, on an
expedition near Gesthemane, an archeologist from a renowned university
discovered a letter written nearly 2000 years ago. Apparently, the letter was never delivered to the
addressee. Given the sociological
implications of the letter, we feel it's important we read it here for you
now. The letter, which has been
translated to accommodate a contemporary readership, was addressed to a man
named "Peter," and it was signed, "J.C."
ACTOR 2
Dear
Peter: By the time you read this,
I'll be gone. Couple of things I
forgot to tell you. I'll just jot
them down here, you pass them along to the guys, make sure they spread the
word, okay? One--I'm having second
thoughts about the no meat on Fridays thing. I mean, "Love Thy Neighbor," "Thou Shalt Not
Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Kill," "No Meat On Fridays?" Where's the connection? I don't know what I was thinking. Must have had a nice piece of fish that day or
something. Anyway, try it out a
couple of years, if it doesn't catch on, let it go. Two--Don't, whatever you do, tell anybody about that Last
Supper we had. Yeah, we had a good
time, but we looked like a bunch of farmers. Last thing I need is somebody drawing a picture of it and
passing it around to their friends, know what I mean? I mean, whose idea was it for everybody to sit on the same
side of the table? Okay, so we
were able to see the magician better.
Big deal! It was too
crowded. Three--and this is very
important, Peter--you and the guys have developed this real annoying Boys Club
mentality over the last couple of years.
Knock it off. Hey, a little
bonding is fine. Fishing trip
every once in a while, maybe a stag pilgrimage if the mood strikes you,
okay. But enough is enough. From now on, if the girls want to say
the Mass, let 'em. Where's the
problem? I'm gonna tell you
something now I never told you before...I have a sister. And the only reason I'm here and not
her is that we flipped a drachma and I won the toss. I never told you because
Dad wanted to keep things simple, but now that I'm going to be gone for a
while, I thought you should know.
So, the next time you guys get together I want you to bring dates and
loosen up a bit. Also, while I'm
on the subject...I want to throw my two cents in on Andrew's celibacy
idea. First I thought he was
kidding but then when I saw you and John and a couple of the other guys going
along with him, I said to myself, Christ, you gotta set these bozos straight or
there's gonna be a heap of trouble.
Please, Pete, whatever you do, nip this celibacy thing in the bud. Pronto. Hey, listen, I'm the first guy to go along with a good
sacrifice now and again. I mean...if
I told you what's in store for me over the next couple of days, well...you'd
see I'm leadin' the league there when it comes to making a sacrifice. But I'm telling you, sacrificing your
sex drive is gonna give you nothing but grief in the long run. Trust me. Let me see if I can spell it out for you...sex is good. Can I make it any clearer? The urge is healthy. The execution is fabulous. And the payoff is...well, what can I
say?...it's FANTASTIC! You think
my old man would come up with something like that for you if He thought you'd
blow it off? No way! I was there the day He thought it up
and, believe me, it was the only time I can honestly say I saw him giddy. Giddy, Pete! He turned to the Holy Ghost and said, "Boy, are they
gonna love this!" So forget
about the celibacy. All I can tell
you is that it ain't gonna work.
Those feelings? They're not
goin' away, Pete. They're gonna
have to be dealt with, Pete. So
let 'em happen. Enjoy! I'll say it one more time for
emphasis--sex is good! Now,
finally, I know you guys like the idea of setting up headquarters in Rome but I
hope you're planning to mix it up a bit down the line. Spread the wealth. Rome a couple of years, then maybe
Padua, Milan. Gaul, if you get
ambitious. All I know is that
Dad's plan is that by late in the 20th Century the Holy See should be located
at the corner of Brookline Avenue and Yawkey Way in Boston, Massachusetts. Don't ask me why. Take it up with him. Something to do with compensation. Okay, that's it for now. Get through the weekend as best you
can. It'll be tough, but hang in
there, it's all gonna work out for the best. I will be back, remember. The plan is to let you guys run the show for a while, see
how you do. Then, if things get
wacky again, one of us'll come down, straighten things out. Next time, it'll probably be my sister,
so I hope you folks work on the equality thing a bit before she gets here. If you think I've got a short fuse,
wait'll you meet Aretha...
BLACKOUT
THE END
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