THE PORCH

                                   Scene One

                                   The front porch of an old house in a
                                   well-populated neighborhood of an
                                   eastern Massachusetts mill town.  The
                                   porch is spacious and features three
                                   comfortable chairs, all facing the
                                   street.  There is a small table between
                                   two of the chairs.  There is a screen
                                   door leading into the house (with a
                                   full open wooden door inside the screen
                                   door).  There are two windows looking
                                   out onto the porch, with curtains and
                                   blinds.  The blinds are raised at the
                                   top of the show.

                                   We can see part of the sidewalk in
                                   front of the house.  On one side of the
                                   house, the sidewalk winds around the
                                   street corner, where a bus stop and a
                                   bench are located.  On the other side
                                   of the house is the approach to the
                                   back yard.

                                   It is mid-afternoon, the day before
                                   Labor Day, 2004.  The day is bright and
                                   warm.

                                   GERT sits in one of the chairs, poring
                                   over Bill Clinton's autobiography.  She
                                   is skirting around the age of seventy,
                                   and is more than happy to speak her
                                   mind at all times. She wears a
                                   comfortable running suit in which she
                                   has never run in her life.  At one
                                   point, she holds the book up to the
                                   sunlight to get a better look and to
                                   show us the cover.  She opens the book
                                   to a random page near the end, and
                                   reads again, encountering a
                                   particularly jarring passage.

                                   GERT
            Holy Mother of God.

                          (reads some more)
            No wonder his arteries clogged.

                                   Through the screen door comes MARJORIE,
                                   who is approximately Gert's age.
                                   She is more tastefully (though equally
                                   comfortably) dressed than Gert.  She is
                                   a pleasant, intelligent, sane human
                                   being.

                                   MARJORIE
            Who?

                                   GERT

                          (holds up book)
            Him.

                                   MARJORIE

                          (with not a little disdain)
            Oh.  Him.

                                   GERT
            How's she doin' in there?

                                   MARJORIE
            Well, she said she was gonna do it and she's doin' it.  I
            give her credit.

                                   GERT

                          (sloughing it off)
            Oh, credit...He's been dead five years.

                                   MARJORIE
            Still, this is a big thing for her...havin' the cookout
            again.  Labor Day.  Without Tom.

                                   GERT

                          (into book again)
            She got us to help.                  MARJORIE
            Yeah, you're a big help.

                                   GERT
            I'm takin' a break!

                                   MARJORIE
            From what?

                                   The screen door opens and ALMA appears.
                                   She is also in the same age ballpark as
                                   Gert and Marjorie.
                                   She may dress a little better than both
                                   of them, but she, too, makes sure what
                                   she's wearing is comfortable.  She's a
                                   bit hard of hearing and on the
                                   ingenuous side.

                                   ALMA
            Well, the bacon's wrapped around the little scallops and
            they're in the fridge so we can take a break.

                          (sits in middle chair)

                                   GERT

                          (to Marjorie)
            See!

                                   MARJORIE
            You said everybody gets here tomorrow at noon?

                                   ALMA
            Around there, yeah. 
                          (to Gert; indicates book)
            What is it?

                                   GERT
            The book?  The one on him.

                          (shows it to her)

                                   ALMA

                          (similarly disdainful)
            Oh.  Him.

                                   GERT

                          (to Marjorie)
            You gonna sit or you gonna stand there till Labor Day, 2005?

                                   MARJORIE

                          (as she sits)
            I'll sit till Alma gives me somethin' else to do.

                                   Gert puts the book on the table.  All
                                   three sit comfortably and stare
                                   straight ahead.  After a moment, Gert
                                   begins to laugh, with insidious joy.

                                   GERT

                          (points forward)
            He can't park there, you know.

                                   ALMA
            What?

                                   GERT
            He can't park there.

                                   ALMA
            Who?

                                   GERT
            Him.  There.  With the car.  Sister Bernadetta'll be outa the
            convent before he gets outa the car.  You watch.  She don't
            want anybody parkin' in the school parkin' lot.  Since they
            got the new lines drawn and all the new spaces so it's easy
            to park, she don't want anybody parkin' there.

                                   ALMA
            Why not?

                                   GERT
            It's like all her life she's been waitin' for her own parkin'
            lot or somethin'.  She's 12, her mother says whatdya wanna
            be, she says a nun or a parking lot attendant.  She's like
            Mussolini with the parkin' lot.  Look.  Here she comes.

                          (beat, as they watch)
            Look at 'im.  "Yes, Sister.  Yes, Sister.  Sorry, Sister."
            You'd think she was carryin' a gun.

                                   ALMA
            She has a gun?

                                   GERT

                          (loud; directly to Alma)
            No.  You'd think she was.

                                   ALMA
            Who?

                                   GERT
            Bernadetta.

                                   ALMA

                          (to Marjorie)
            I didn't see a gun.  Did you?

                                   MARJORIE

                          (loud, so Alma gets the point)
            It was a joke, Alma.  Gert told you a joke.

                                   ALMA

                          (chuckles)
            Oh.

                          (beat, stops chuckling)
            I guess I don't get it.

                                   GERT

                          (looks to parking lot)
            There he goes.

                                   ALMA

                          (longer beat; then, to Gert)
            What's his name?  Mussolini?

                                   GERT
            Never mind about Mussolini.

                                   MARJORIE
            Alma, pass me that book, please?

                          (she does; to Gert)
            You didn't buy this, I hope.

                                   GERT
            You kiddin' me?  Lib'ry.

                                   MARJORIE

                          (thumbing through)
            Is it all in here?  What he done?

                                   GERT
            I didn't get that far.  I'm about two and a half inches from
            that part.

                                   MARJORIE
            It is a big book.

                                   GERT
            Well, you know what they say when you got a big book...

                                   MARJORIE

                          (chuckling)
            Oh, Gert...

                                   ALMA
            What?  If you got a big book, what?

                                   GERT
            Then you got a big...

                          (prompts Alma)

                                   ALMA
            What?

                                   MARJORIE
            Never mind, Alma.  Stop it, Gert.

                                   ALMA

                          (thinking)
            ...When you got a big book...

                                   MARJORIE
            Alma!  Forget it!

                          (thumbs book again)
            So, can they put that in there?  What he done?

                                   GERT
            Sure they can!  They wanna sell the books, don't they?

                                   MARJORIE
            Well, I suppose they'd sell more books if they did.

                                   ALMA
            What?

 

                                   MARJORIE
            Put it in.