Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
THIS IS ACT ONE, SCENE ONE of THE PORCH, by Jack Neary
THE PORCH
Scene One
The front porch of an old house in a
well-populated neighborhood of an
eastern Massachusetts mill town. The
porch is spacious and features three
comfortable chairs, all facing the
street. There is a small table between
two of the chairs. There is a screen
door leading into the house (with a
full open wooden door inside the screen
door). There are two windows looking
out onto the porch, with curtains and
blinds. The blinds are raised at the
top of the show.
We can see part of the sidewalk in
front of the house. On one side of the
house, the sidewalk winds around the
street corner, where a bus stop and a
bench are located. On the other side
of the house is the approach to the
back yard.
It is mid-afternoon, the day before
Labor Day, 2004. The day is bright and
warm.
GERT sits in one of the chairs, poring
over Bill Clinton's autobiography. She
is skirting around the age of seventy,
and is more than happy to speak her
mind at all times. She wears a
comfortable running suit in which she
has never run in her life. At one
point, she holds the book up to the
sunlight to get a better look and to
show us the cover. She opens the book
to a random page near the end, and
reads again, encountering a
particularly jarring passage.
GERT
Holy Mother of God.
(reads some more)
No wonder his arteries clogged.
The screen door opens and ALMA appears.
She is in the same age ballpark as
Gert. She may dress a little better
than her girl friends, but she makes
sure what she's wearing is comfortable.
She's a bit hard of hearing and on the
ingenuous side.
She steps off the porch to retrieve the
newspaper, which has been tossed on her
lawn. She walks back up the steps,
then stops when she sees something on
the front page that intrigues her.
Gert notices this.
GERT (cont'd)
What?
ALMA
(distracted, beat)
What?
GERT
(referring to paper)
What?
ALMA
Uh...nothing.
She rushes into the house, bumping into
MARJORIE, who is approximately the age
of her friends. She is more tastefully
(though equally comfortably) dressed
than Gert. She is a pleasant,
intelligent, sane human being.
MARJORIE
(to Gert, referring to book)
Who is it?
GERT
(holds up book)
Him.
MARJORIE
(with not a little disdain)
Oh. Him.
GERT
How's she doin' in there?
MARJORIE
Well, she said she was gonna do it and she's doin' it. I
give her credit.
GERT
(sloughing it off)
Oh, credit...He's been dead five years.
MARJORIE
Still, this is a big thing for her...havin' the cookout
again. Labor Day. Without Tom.
GERT
(into book again)
She got us to help.
MARJORIE
Yeah, you're a big help.
GERT
I'm takin' a break!
MARJORIE
From what?
The screen door opens and ALMA appears.
She is also in the same age ballpark as
Gert and Marjorie. She may dress a
little better than both of them, but
she, too, makes sure what she's wearing
is comfortable. She's a bit hard of
hearing and on the ingenuous side.
ALMA
Well, the bacon's wrapped around the little scallops and
they're in the fridge so we can take a break.
(sits in middle chair)
GERT
(to Marjorie)
See!
MARJORIE
You said everybody gets here tomorrow at noon?
ALMA
Around there, yeah.
(to Gert; indicates book)
What is it?
GERT
The book? The one on him.
(shows it to her)
ALMA
(similarly disdainful)
Oh. Him.
GERT
(to Marjorie)
You gonna sit or you gonna stand there till Labor Day, 2005?
MARJORIE
(as she sits)
I'll sit till Alma gives me somethin' else to do.
Gert puts the book on the table. All
three sit comfortably and stare
straight ahead. After a moment, Gert
begins to laugh, with insidious joy.
GERT
(points forward)
He can't park there, you know.
ALMA
What?
GERT
He can't park there.
ALMA
Who?
GERT
Him. There. With the car. Sister Bernadetta'll be outa the
convent before he gets outa the car. You watch. She don't
want anybody parkin' in the school parkin' lot. Since they
got the new lines drawn and all the new spaces so it's easy
to park, she don't want anybody parkin' there.
ALMA
Why not?
GERT
It's like all her life she's been waitin' for her own parkin'
lot or somethin'. She's 12, her mother says whatdya wanna
be, she says a nun or a parking lot attendant. She's like
Mussolini with the parkin' lot. Look. Here she comes.
(beat, as they watch)
Look at 'im. "Yes, Sister. Yes, Sister. Sorry, Sister."
You'd think she was carryin' a gun.
ALMA
She has a gun?
GERT
(loud; directly to Alma)
No. You'd think she was.
ALMA
Who?
GERT
Bernadetta.
ALMA
(to Marjorie)
I didn't see a gun. Did you?
MARJORIE
(loud, so Alma gets the point)
It was a joke, Alma. Gert told you a joke.
ALMA
(chuckles)
Oh.
(beat, stops chuckling)
I guess I don't get it.
GERT
(looks to parking lot)
There he goes.
ALMA
(longer beat; then, to Gert)
What's his name? Mussolini?
GERT
Never mind about Mussolini.
MARJORIE
Alma, pass me that book, please?
(she does; to Gert)
You didn't buy this, I hope.
GERT
You kiddin' me? Lib'ry.
MARJORIE
(thumbing through)
Is it all in here? What he done?
GERT
I didn't get that far. I'm about two and a half inches from
that part.
MARJORIE
It is a big book.
GERT
Well, you know what they say when you got a big book...
MARJORIE
(chuckling)
Oh, Gert...
ALMA
What? If you got a big book, what?
GERT
Then you got a big...
(prompts Alma)
ALMA
What?
MARJORIE
Never mind, Alma. Stop it, Gert.
ALMA
(thinking)
...When you got a big book...
MARJORIE
Alma! Forget it!
(thumbs book again)
So, can they put that in there? What he done?
GERT
Sure they can! They wanna sell the books, don't they?
MARJORIE
Well, I suppose they'd sell more books if they did.
ALMA
What?
MARJORIE
Put it in.
GERT
Puttin' it in's what he did best, from what I could tell.
(laughs)
MARJORIE
Gert!
GERT
Oh, look at the thing. The size of that book. Like we
should pay good money to read about him. I remember him when
it happened, him lookin' in the camera as if he was talkin'
to me, sayin' them things to me like he knew me.
MARJORIE
He was a smoothy, all right.
GERT
Thinks I don't know he's full of it.
ALMA
(grabs and points to book)
Him?
MARJORIE
He's a politician.
ALMA
You know, they said he mighta did it with...uh...
GERT
Whatdya mean he mighta did it?
ALMA
With...that girl. The fat girl. With the funny hat.
GERT
There was no "mighta" about it!
MARJORIE
But the people still liked him.
ALMA
It was on the T.V.
MARJORIE
All the polls. They liked him.
ALMA
The Polacks liked him?
MARJORIE
A lot of people still like him.
GERT
I'll tell you who likes him. The people who do what he done
like him because they done it too, and they wanna keep doin'
it and it makes 'em feel better to know he done it and he got
away with it.
MARJORIE
Slick Willy, they call him.
GERT
And those of us who only do it when we're supposed to do it,
nobody asks us what we think.
MARJORIE
I wonder why.
GERT
Because them that take the polls wanna keep doin' it too.
It's one of them conspiracies.
ALMA
I thought he said he didn't do it.
GERT
What?
ALMA
He said it on the T.V. "I did not have sexual...relations
with that woman...Miss..." whatever her name is...the Polish
girl.
(to Marjorie)
Maybe that's why they like him.
GERT
Well...that's what he thought, you know.
MARJORIE
Well...
GERT
He thought what he done wasn't sexual relations.
ALMA
Wait a minute...
GERT
He thinks we're dumb enough to believe that what he done
wasn't sexual relations in the "legal sense."
ALMA
Wait a minute. Did he or didn't he?
GERT
What?
ALMA
Do it.
GERT
Well, that's where it gets tricky.
MARJORIE
Depends on what you mean, Alma.
ALMA
What depends?
MARJORIE
Well, President Clinton thought..or at least he says he
thought...that what he did...with the girl...wasn't sexual
relations.
ALMA
Well what was it he did?
MARJORIE
He...wasn't clear on that.
ALMA
He didn't know?
MARJORIE
Well...
ALMA
How can he not know what it is? He was the President.
MARJORIE
It's not that he didn't know what it is. He just
thought...that the way he...did it, didn't...add up to...
what he calls...sexual relations.
ALMA
(beat)
The way he did it?
MARJORIE
Yes.
ALMA
The way he did it don't add up?
MARJORIE
Not to him.
ALMA
(beat)
Well, once you do it, you know you did it, don't you?
GERT
It's the way he done it makes him say it wasn't relations.
ALMA
What way did he do it?
MARJORIE
Well, I can't...
ALMA
What way?
MARJORIE
I really don't want to...
ALMA
What way did he do it?
Alma and Marjorie get into a little ad
lib argument. Alma wants an answer.
Marjorie doesn't want to contribute.
Gert breaks it up, abruptly.
GERT
He did the oral!
ALMA
The oral?
GERT
He said for it to be sexual relations you have to have it
with intercourse.
(beat, to the inquiring Alma)
With the genitals on the genitals.
ALMA
With the what on the what?
GERT
The genitals on the genitals. He says it isn't sexual
relations if it's oral sex.
ALMA
What kind of sex?
GERT
Oral.
ALMA
Oral?
GERT
Oral. You know what oral means, don't you?
ALMA
Out loud?
GERT
No. Oral. Oral. With the mouth.
ALMA
(beat)
What, he talks while he's doin' it? Big deal.
(shrugs)
GERT
Let's put it this way, when he's gettin' it done, if
anybody's doin' any talkin', it's him.
(laughs)
ALMA
(to Marjorie)
What's she talkin' about?
MARJORIE
It's a different kind of sex, Alma. Not the way we used to
do it.
GERT
Don't tell me you never heard of oral sex?
ALMA
I never heard of sex at all till after my fourth kid. We
didn't call it anything, we just went at it. By that time I
only knew one way and it worked, so we didn't do it any more
ways.
(beat)
Once he let me be on top so he could see the Super Bowl. So
what is it? Oral sex.
GERT
(to Marjorie)
Tell her.
MARJORIE
I'm not telling her.
ALMA
(to Marjorie)
Did you ever do it?
MARJORIE
(beat)
No.
ALMA
(to Gert)
Did you?
GERT
I thought about it. I asked the priest in confession once if
I could. He said he'd get back to me. Two days later he
gets transferred to Africa. So I never tried it.
ALMA
So what is it?
GERT
Figure it out. Oral. Oral. The mouth.
ALMA
Yeah, so what?
GERT
(gestures elaborately, phrase
by phrase)
Oral. The mouth. Sex. Sex. Oral sex.
(punctuates her gesture)
ALMA
(beat)
Kissin'?
GERT
Not kissin'. Kissin' involves two noses in the same general
vicinity. With the oral, you got your noses in two different
counties.
(illustrates elaborately
pointing in two different
directions)
ALMA
What are we talkin' about here, sex with your nose?
GERT
No. We're talkin' about the vicinities where the various
noses end up when the sex is happening.
ALMA
(beat)
What?
GERT
Look, what's the nearest thing to your nose on your face?
ALMA
My little mustache thingy.
GERT
That you kiss with! The nearest thing to your nose on your
face that you kiss with.
ALMA
Lips?
GERT
Lips. So with the oral you follow your nose and that's where
the lips end up. Yours and his. In different places.
ALMA
What places?
GERT
Well...she goes down there...
MARJORIE
Good Lord...
ALMA
Down where?
GERT
There. There. The sexual area.
(another physical illustration)
ALMA
His sexual area?
(repeats the illustration)
GERT
She goes down there and she...she...services him.
ALMA
So wait a minute, if she's down there...in his sexual
area...with her nose...
GERT
Yes?
ALMA
Don't that mean her own sexual area is way off the target?
GERT
This time, her nose is her general sexual area.
MARJORIE
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
ALMA
She's not...She's not...
GERT
Oh, yes, she is.
ALMA
Her nose...and his...thing?
GERT
Forget about the nose, Alma! Expand your horizons!
ALMA
Lips?
GERT
Lips.
ALMA
(major disbelief)
Go on!
GERT
(again, the illustration)
Oral. The mouth. Sex. Sex. Oral sex.
ALMA
(beat)
What'll they think of next?
(to Marjorie)
You knew about this?
MARJORIE
I read about it.
ALMA
(to Gert)
How did you find out?
GERT
They had a very special Maury Povich.
ALMA
(beat)
Then what happens?
GERT
To what?
ALMA
When she starts nosin' around down there, what happens then?
GERT
Well, that's when you get into personal preference.
MARJORIE
Oh, I think they took care of personal preference about the
time she put her nose into his sexual area.
(a little reprise of the
illustration)
GERT
Well, I mean once she's there, you know, with his whodjie in
her...whatever...then it's up to them, you know, to decide
how far they want to go.
ALMA
You're not tellin' me...
GERT
I'm not tellin' you anything except that if you're on the
receivin' end of that particular main course, you better
decide pretty quick whether or not you want dessert.
MARJORIE
(disgusted)
Oh, Gert...
GERT
I'm just sayin'...
ALMA
Dessert?
MARJORIE
(to Gert)
Don't look at me.
GERT
So, you can imagine. Either you want to deal with it or you
don't. If you don't, you gotta be very agile with your neck.
(illustrates, graphically)
ALMA
(long beat)
So that's what he was doin' with the Polish girl out in the
hallway.
GERT
Seems to be. He just didn't think it counted as relations,
though.
(looks out)
Look! She got another one!
MARJORIE
Why doesn't she just put up a couple of those orange cones,
block off the entrance?
GERT
She likes catchin' them too much. It's a nun thing. The
only way she'd be happier is if she could hit them with a
fifty cent fine.
LEO walks on to the porch from the
street. He's a bantam-like little guy
around seventy. He is Gert's husband.
He heads directly for the front door,
with very little acknowledgement of the
ladies.
LEO
(to Marjorie, indicating door)
He back there?
MARJORIE
Who, Pat? Yeah, he's almost through settin' up the grill.
(Leo moves to the door;
Marjorie stops him)
Leo...Aren't you gonna say hello to your wife?
LEO
Why?
MARJORIE
She's your wife.
LEO
Which means I see her every day of my life. We're way past
hello.
(to Gert)
Ain't that right?
GERT
It's on a long list of things we're way past.
LEO
(to Marjorie)
See? I come all the way over here, I get insulted.
GERT
Tomorrow I'll make it easy for you. We'll stay home. I'll
insult you there.
LEO
(cheerfully)
Hello, Sweetheart!
GERT
(cheerfully)
Hello, Dumplin'!
LEO
(drops cheer; to Marjorie)
Can I go in now?
MARJORIE
Oh, you two...
Leo goes inside. The ladies sit and
stare forward again.
ALMA
(long beat, as they stare)
Oral sex.
MARJORIE
Times have changed, Alma.
ALMA
(beat, using Gert's
illustration)
Oral. The mouth. Sex. Sex. Oral sex.
(Gert and Marjorie help her to
remember to punctuate the
illustration)
GERT
We should sic Bernadetta on Clinton. He wouldn't pull any of
that stuff with her. Or at least she'd hit him for more than
fifty cents.
(chuckles)
MARJORIE
Oh, Gert...
ALMA
Oral sex.
(gets up, goes to door, opens
it, stops, turns...)
I won't sleep for a month.
(goes inside)
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