THE WEDDING: HOW IT CAME OFF
ED
It all started a little over a year ago. I was in the TV room
watching my favorite show on The Discovery Channel. I don't
know the exact name of it but it's that show where all those
animals in Africa attack all those other animals and eat them
for survival. Some people find it gross, but I find it
relaxing. Maybe because it's a nice change of pace from
where I work at the DMV. Anyway, I'm sitting there watching
this hyena stalking this wildebeest when my wife Doris comes
in, grabs the remote and hits the mute button just as the
hyena was goin' for the wildebeest's throat. Which as you
know is the good part.
DORIS
We have to talk.
ED
You couldn't wait till after dinner?
DORIS
It's about Mary Ellen. I think she's getting very serious
about James.
ED
Which one is James? That's not the hairdresser, is it?
DORIS
No. That's either Marty or Manuel. There were two
hairdressers. James is the sales rep from Microsoft.
ED
The little pudgy guy with the bald spot and the growth on his
nose?
DORIS
No. That's Barry. The actor.
ED
He's an actor? With a nose like that, what can he play
besides gnomes?
DORIS
James met us at the mall last week.
ED
What, the tall, skinny guy with the earring and the cell
phone in his pants?
DORIS
That's the one.
ED
They're getting serious?
DORIS
That would be my estimation.
Serious how?
DORIS
Serious like I think they've become intimate.
ED
Intimate how?
DORIS
Intimate like in the way married people become intimate.
ED
I'll kill him.
DORIS
I thought you should know. Relax. Watch your warthog.
ED
It's not a warthog, it's a hyena. And Mary Ellen is a baby!
DORIS
She's twenty-two years old.
ED
And they've been intimate?
DORIS
That would be my educated guess.
ED
And what educated you? What's your evidence?
DORIS
I was sorting her sock drawer. I found a package of condoms.
ED
Don't say condoms to me where I can hear it!
DORIS
You have to know, Ed. We have to be grownups about this. It
is 1995, after all. It's not like it was in our day. In
1995, sex comes before love. Young people today believe that
if they can get over the hurdle of sex, then true love is
much more easily achieved.
ED
Since when do you have to hurdle to get sex? When you and I
had sex the first time on our wedding night, there was no
hurdling involved. Sure, the silk sheets were a little
slippery. Sue me! Tell me you didn't enjoy it on the floor!
I can't believe we're talking about sex and Mary Ellen in the
same breath.
DORIS
Well, I'm glad we are. Because I think she's going to be
coming to you very soon for a father-daughter talk and I
think you should be prepared.