THIS IS A SHORT SEGMENT FROM THE MISDIRECTED THEATRE PRODUCTION OF RUMPLESTILTSKIN...
Suddenly, almost out of nowhere, Ozzie,
adorned as the impish Rumplestiltskin,
races into the room and dashes around
and about like a lunatic, laughing and
singing crazily. He appears to be
making flirtacious "coochy coochy"
signs and noises aimed at Margaret.
Margaret instantly grabs a broom and
starts chasing him.
MARGARET
(as she chases Ozzie with
broom)
Oh, it's you again, you little caterwaulin' pest! I told you
a hundred times I'm not interested! So leave me alone!
OZZIE
(as Rumplestiltskin)
Some day, my pretty! Some day you'll fall helpless victim to
my enticing advances! Some day, I'll have you for my wife!
Coochy, coochy, coochy!
MARGARET
(swings broom)
I'll be your wife the day the moon turns green and chickens
start playin' the mandolin!
OZZIE
Whatdya want? What can I give ya that'll make you say you'll
be my lovin' wife? You name it! Money! Land! Prestige!
Power! Whatever you want, it's yours! Just say you'll be
mine!
MARGARET
I tell ya, get outa my sight before I take a crossbow to ya!
(to Cynthia)
Can you see a scrumptious morsel like me marryin' a little
twerp like that! Not in a million years! Aaaaah!
(she yelps and leaves)
OZZIE
(smiles)
She's comin' around!
(sees that Cynthia is weeping)
Here, now...what seems to be botherin' ya, little one?
CYNTHIA
Oh...nothing you can help me with.
OZZIE
Oh, you never know, you never know! I've been known to do my
share of good deeds in my time. Try me!
CYNTHIA
You can't help me! The King expects me to spin this pile of
straw into gold!
OZZIE
He does?
CYNTHIA
Yes! My poor father told him I could, just so we could
survive. But I can't. And now the King is going to behead
me and my father!
OZZIE
Behead. That can't be good.
CYNTHIA
So, you see? You can't help me. Nobody can help me!
OZZIE
Now, now don't be so hasty there, with your evaluation of the
situation. What if I told you...that I myself could spin
that pile of straw into gold for ya?
CYNTHIA
Don't make jokes!
OZZIE
Oh, I don't make jokes. I make deals.
CYNTHIA
Deals?
OZZIE
Deals. Let me show ya...I'm lookin' right now at that
spectacular necklace you're wearin' 'round your very, very
pretty neck. That appears to me to be a necklace that my
wife-to-be the wench might look dazzlin' in. That appears to
me to be somethin' that, were I to give it to her, it might
turn her head in my direction, wouldn't you say?
CYNTHIA
Maybe. So what?
OZZIE
So...what if I were to spin that pile of straw into gold for
ya? Would you give me that necklace?
CYNTHIA
You can do that? You can spin straw into gold?
OZZIE
I asked you first. Would you give me the necklace?
CYNTHIA
Absolutely!
OZZIE
Then stand aside while I do the voodoo that I do so well...
Ozzie grabs the stack of straw and
tosses it out of sight--behind the bed
or anyplace where it can't be seen by
the audience. Music plays. Ozzie
sings. And as he does, from the out-of
sight location, streams and streams of
gold appear, and form a pile of its
own!
OZZIE (CONT'D)
(when pile of gold is complete)
Ta da!
CYNTHIA
My goodness! It's beautiful! How did you do that?
OZZIE
It's what I do, dear lady, it's what I do! Some people
paint, some people write, some people collect taxes--I
prestidigitate!
CYNTHIA
You what?
OZZIE
I work magic! I've been doing it all my life! The only
trouble is, I can't seem to work my magic on that wench!
(grabs necklace)
But this...THIS will do the trick, I'm sure of it! Good luck
with the King.
(runs off)
Oh, wench! Wenchy!!!!
(he is gone)
