THIS IS A SHORT SEGMENT FROM THE MISDIRECTED THEATRE PRODUCTION OF RUMPLESTILTSKIN... Suddenly, almost out of nowhere, Ozzie, adorned as the impish Rumplestiltskin, races into the room and dashes around and about like a lunatic, laughing and singing crazily. He appears to be making flirtacious "coochy coochy" signs and noises aimed at Margaret. Margaret instantly grabs a broom and starts chasing him. MARGARET (as she chases Ozzie with broom) Oh, it's you again, you little caterwaulin' pest! I told you a hundred times I'm not interested! So leave me alone! OZZIE (as Rumplestiltskin) Some day, my pretty! Some day you'll fall helpless victim to my enticing advances! Some day, I'll have you for my wife! Coochy, coochy, coochy! MARGARET (swings broom) I'll be your wife the day the moon turns green and chickens start playin' the mandolin! OZZIE Whatdya want? What can I give ya that'll make you say you'll be my lovin' wife? You name it! Money! Land! Prestige! Power! Whatever you want, it's yours! Just say you'll be mine! MARGARET I tell ya, get outa my sight before I take a crossbow to ya! (to Cynthia) Can you see a scrumptious morsel like me marryin' a little twerp like that! Not in a million years! Aaaaah! (she yelps and leaves) OZZIE (smiles) She's comin' around! (sees that Cynthia is weeping) Here, now...what seems to be botherin' ya, little one? CYNTHIA Oh...nothing you can help me with. OZZIE Oh, you never know, you never know! I've been known to do my share of good deeds in my time. Try me! CYNTHIA You can't help me! The King expects me to spin this pile of straw into gold! OZZIE He does? CYNTHIA Yes! My poor father told him I could, just so we could survive. But I can't. And now the King is going to behead me and my father! OZZIE Behead. That can't be good. CYNTHIA So, you see? You can't help me. Nobody can help me! OZZIE Now, now don't be so hasty there, with your evaluation of the situation. What if I told you...that I myself could spin that pile of straw into gold for ya? CYNTHIA Don't make jokes! OZZIE Oh, I don't make jokes. I make deals. CYNTHIA Deals? OZZIE Deals. Let me show ya...I'm lookin' right now at that spectacular necklace you're wearin' 'round your very, very pretty neck. That appears to me to be a necklace that my wife-to-be the wench might look dazzlin' in. That appears to me to be somethin' that, were I to give it to her, it might turn her head in my direction, wouldn't you say? CYNTHIA Maybe. So what? OZZIE So...what if I were to spin that pile of straw into gold for ya? Would you give me that necklace? CYNTHIA You can do that? You can spin straw into gold? OZZIE I asked you first. Would you give me the necklace? CYNTHIA Absolutely! OZZIE Then stand aside while I do the voodoo that I do so well... Ozzie grabs the stack of straw and tosses it out of sight--behind the bed or anyplace where it can't be seen by the audience. Music plays. Ozzie sings. And as he does, from the out-of sight location, streams and streams of gold appear, and form a pile of its own! OZZIE (CONT'D) (when pile of gold is complete) Ta da! CYNTHIA My goodness! It's beautiful! How did you do that? OZZIE It's what I do, dear lady, it's what I do! Some people paint, some people write, some people collect taxes--I prestidigitate! CYNTHIA You what? OZZIE I work magic! I've been doing it all my life! The only trouble is, I can't seem to work my magic on that wench! (grabs necklace) But this...THIS will do the trick, I'm sure of it! Good luck with the King. (runs off) Oh, wench! Wenchy!!!! (he is gone)