THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
The curtain is closed.
The GIRL enters, and steps
downstage.
GIRL
This is the story of The Three Little Pigs. Once
upon a time, there were...
The BOY sticks his head out
from behind the curtain.
BOY
Four!
GIRL
What?
BOY
Four pigs. We’re going with four.
GIRL
Who says?
BOY
I says.
GIRL
Well, it’s too late to change it now.
(to audience member)
Excuse me. May I have your program, please?
Audience member will give the
Girl a program. She points
the cover to the Boy, who is
still just sticking his head
through the curtain.
GIRL (CONT’D)
See! It says right here! “The Story of the Three
Little Pigs!”
BOY
(steps out from behind
curtain)
Let me see that.
He takes the program, and a
pencil. He crosses out
“Three” and writes something.
It takes a little while.
When he’s through, he gives
the program back to the Girl.
GIRL
(reads)
“The Story of the Three Little Pigs...and their
cousin from France?”
BOY
Right.
He takes the program from the
Girl and gives it back to the
audience member.
BOY (CONT’D)
Here.
(then give the audience
member the pencil)
Pass this around.
(to audience)
Just write in the rest of it.
(to Girl)
There. Now. Go ahead. Tell the story.
GIRL
There is no cousin from France.
BOY
I beg to differ. His name is Frenchie. And he is
going to be played by a brilliant actor.
GIRL
Who?
BOY
Me. Or, perhaps, I should say, “Moi.”
2.
GIRL
You’re just gonna mess everything up.
BOY
Just tell the story.
GIRL
I’m not changing it. I’m telling the story of The
Three Little Pigs, and that’s it!
BOY
Have it your way, mon ami! But be on zee lookout
for...
(pulls out a beret and
puts it on)
Cousin Frenchie!
He runs off, leaving the Girl
stunned.
GIRL
(to audience)
Don’t pay any attention to him.
(clears throat)
As I was saying, this is the story of The Three
Little Pigs.
The curtain opens. Three
Pigs stand there. One of
them steps forward.
GIRL (CONT'D)
This is Gerry.
GERRY
I’m a practical pig. I do things by the book.
(shows book)
This is the book.
GIRL
And this is Jamie.
JAMIE
I’m a ca-razy pig! I like the action! I like the
fast life! I like to have fun!
3.
GIRL
And this is Middie.
MIDDIE
Sometimes I’m practical. Sometimes I’m crazy. Most
of the time--I’m just in the middle.
GIRL
And each of these pigs had an entourage.
The Boy again sticks his head
out from the curtain.
BOY
That’s French!
GIRL
Get outa here!
He does.
GIRL (CONT’D)
An entourage means they each had some friends who
thought like they thought. Gerry had practical
friends. Of course, they were all squirrels.
Gerry’s practical friends
join Gerry. They are all
squirrels. Each introduces
him- or herself.
CHERYL
I’m Cheryl Squirrel.
MERRILL
I’m Merrill Squirrel.
ROCKY
They call me Rocky.
GIRL
Why?
ROCKY
Some cartoon on TV, I don’t know.
4.
GERRY
I hang out with squirrels because they are always
prepared!
GERRY AND THE SQUIRRELS
Yo!
GIRL
Okay. Now. Middie had friends who couldn’t make up
their minds about anything. You never knew what they
were gonna do. They were all cats. And they had
very strange names.
Middie’s friends appear. All
cats.
MAYBE
My name is Maybe.
POSSIBLY
My name is Possibly.
UNSURE
My name is Unsure. I think.
MIDDIE
These are my friends because I’m not really sure who
else I want to be friends with.
MIDDIE AND ALL THE CATS
(very uncertainly)
Uh.....Yo?
GIRL
And Jamie’s friends were all ca-razy like Jamie.
They were birds. But they weren’t just any old
birds. They were...Looney Birds.
Jamie’s entourage, TWEETY,
CHIRPY and BUZZ appear. They
are all Looney Birds, and
they run around like crazy to
nutty music, finally settling
down with Jamie.
5.
JAMIE
These are my friends, because we all like to....
ALL JAMIE’S FRIENDS
PAR---TAY!!!!!!!
And then they run around the
stage, once again, to nutty
music, until the Girl can’t
take it anymore.
GIRL
Quiet! Quiet!!!! QUIIIIEEEETTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
Everybody stops.
GIRL (CONT’D)
Thank you.