As the play progresses, Brian Dowd, a young man of 23 who often addresses the audience, takes us through a number of years and a number of experiences he has had with the adorable girl next door, Beth Finnegan. His intention is to show us how impossibly he has handled the relationship. Here, when he’s 13 and she’s 12, he deals with Beth’s blossoming adolescence.

BETH: Boys.


BETH: I like boys a lot!

BRIAN: I actually heard her use that sentence once.

BETH: I like boys a lot!

BRIAN: That sentence there. It came out of her mouth in front of my face when I was thirteen and she was twelve.

BETH: I like boys a lot!

BRIAN: Don’t say that!

BETH: Why not?

BRIAN: Out loud.

BETH: Why not?

BRIAN: Somebody’ll hear you.

BETH: (smiles) Boys, I hope!

BRIAN: But you can’t just...say things like that...You have know...thinkthem...and hope the...people you’re...thinking about...think back the same thing.

BETH: Really?

BRIAN: Really.

BETH: Wouldn’t it be easier just to tell boys I like them a lot?

BRIAN: Beth...

BETH: That way, they could think back whatever they wanted to think back a whole lot quicker!

BRIAN: That’s not the way it works.

BETH: Okay, what if it’s you.

BRIAN: What if what’s me?

BETH: What if you’re a boy?

BRIAN: We’ll pretend.

BETH: And you’re at a party. And you bump into a girl you like.

BRIAN: It’s been known to happen.

BETH: And she looks you right in your face...(she looks right in his face)...and she says, “I like boys. A lot!” What do you do?

BRIAN: What do I do?

BETH: Yes. After you think back what you want to think back, what do you do?

BRIAN: I...turn the other way.

BETH: Turn the other way?

BRIAN: Turn the other way.

BETH: A girl you like looks you right in the face...(she does it again, grabbing him by the shoulders)...and says, “I like boys. A lot!” And you turn the other way?

BRIAN: Right.


BRIAN: Bingo.


BRIAN: On the nose.


BRIAN: (panicked beyond belief) YES! YES! ON THE NOSE! YES!

BETH: (shaking him vigorously)WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH YOU?


BETH:(grabs him by the collar; takes each sentence right to his face)She’s there. She’s pretty. She’s ready. She’s willing. She’s able. She’s telling you what you want to hear. She’s telling you that she likes you as much as you like her. And what do you do?

BRIAN:(devastatingly lost; he turns away as he speaks tentatively) I...turn...the other...way.


BRIAN:(doesn’t look back)Yeah?

BETH: You are one sick puppy!

BRIAN:(to audience; smiles) She noticed!